This week, I wrote a manifesto to my Patreon supporters.
It was one part confession, one part apology, one part epiphany, and one part promise. It was specifically for them, because they financially contribute to my writing every month. I felt like I owed it to my most direct supporters to open up about what’s been going on with me and how it has affected me, and what I plan to do to resolve the situation I’ve created for myself.
In short: I quit my job to write, and I haven’t really been writing as much as I should or I thought I would. Part of that is because the financial support I get from Patreon and book sales isn’t quite enough to make my full monthly budget, and to prevent cutting into savings, I took on a job that ultimately ended up not being what it was billed as. It put me in a bad place emotionally, which then spiraled into a “oh my God, I can’t actually do this” panic that lasted far too long. Add to that some folks’ overtures about things related to the Marlowe Kana universe never manifested (not that I was counting on those things to happen to do what I wanted to do). There’s a LOT more to it, but ultimately, other peoples’ emotional crises aren’t particularly interesting, so I’m just gonna skip to the point:
I lost sight of my goal, which is to be a writer full time. And that cost me, both in time and emotional energy. And I’ve come to realize some things in the process:
- I adore the universe I’ve created with Marlowe Kana, and I love sharing my silly brain crap on my blog. I miss those things every second I’m not actively working on them.
- There’s a way to make all the things I’ve got in mind in terms of project happen, and every day I wait for someone somewhere to give me permission, I waste 24 hours of my life.
- There’s lots and lots of projects I want attached to Marlowe Kana — Audiobook, soundtrack, animated show (more on that later… Much more). But it all starts with the books. Without those, there’s nothing to work from.
- I’m the only person who can make those books. Lots and lots of other people can make the other stuff, and are far more qualified. But I’m the only one capable of making the story.
- People promise a lot of things. That doesn’t make them real, they’re just promises.
- So, if any of this stuff is going to exist, I need to make it.
So that’s where I’ve landed. After two months of pretty severe depression (that finds its roots in my life collapsing the last time I ran my own business in 2013, but like the strings on a guitar getting plucked, only need the slightest provocation to ring out), I’ve come out the other side with an understanding I’ve always had, but lost sight of:
I am in control of what I make. And if I want things to exist, I have to make them.
That’s my promise, and the thing I wanted to return to blogging with. I feel like I have my hands around the process enough to understand what’s been going on with me, and what I need to do about it.
Hi. I’m Joe, and I’m trying. With any luck and a shitton of resolve, I’ll end up doing.