(The following is the real-time conversation I had with my girlfriend Meghan during what was undoubtedly one of the most uncomfortable Lyft rides of my life. The bit about the washing machine has context, but I’m not going to give it to you, because for some reason it just cracks me up to think of you wondering what the hell happened to our washing machine)

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Much of what has been written about me remains true to this day, except that part about the one thing, you know what I'm talking about, don't pretend you don't

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